Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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