You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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