I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
