He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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