My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Randomize
