There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
