I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
