I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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