ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
