in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
