I think I just saw someone hide a body.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
