My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
