girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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