When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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