Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
