She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
