you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
