I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
