Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
