You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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