Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
