please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize