So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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