just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
