party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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