Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
