i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
