living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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