So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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