I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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