Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
