My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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