i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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