He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize