he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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