I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
