totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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