sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
