my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
