You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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