I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
