brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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