Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
