So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
This is my life. Enjoy the view
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
