He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
