I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
