guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
