so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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