Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize