i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
