i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize