If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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