Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Can you bring me the toilet please
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
