Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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