just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
