1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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