My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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