i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
