Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
