somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize