We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
