As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
