Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
