I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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